Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mothers Day, Then and Now

Those who've known me over 6 years are aware of the issues we had while trying to have a baby.  For those of you unaware, I lost 4 pregnancies in about 2-3 years. What I'm about to say is a reflection on those times.

Mother's Day was a painful day for me for a few years. It wasn't easy to explain my quietness or lack of good cheer. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to celebrate my mom- I was. But it was more for me. It was a reminder of the losses I'd experienced and the frustration at my body for what I believed was betrayal. The worst was when I miscarried just a few days before Mother's Day. The depression was suffocating and my mind simply would not function. My husband had no idea what to do with me while battling his own grief. In short, I began to hate Mother's Day.

Then suddenly everything worked and in May of 2010,  I celebrated my first Mother's Day. There are simply no words to describe my feelings that day. Those years of desolation and despair seemed long forgotten.  In reality though, I remembered those holidays all too well.

So why bring this all up now?  This is my way of saying to those who celebrate Mother's Day without a thought to not forgot those who are struggling to conceive or have just experienced a loss. Unless you have never been able on conceive, have lost a pregnancy, or have lost a child, you cannot possibly fathom why this day is soul shattering to some. It's best not to try to understand their grief. My advice would be to not forget them, and let them know you are there for them. Check in on them the next day, give them a call, or take them out for a drink. Just BE there in some capacity. They may not need you, or, they may need you desperately.

I feel extremely lucky on this day because I'm finally a mother, but those years of sadness will always be a part of me. To my friends who are struggling, please do not give up. To those who have experienced a loss, my thoughts are with you and I hope you can find peace in some way.

Monday, April 21, 2014

I've found Pinterest!

I know I know, you're saying "big deal" right?  Everyone has already found Pinterest.  But for me, I hadn't actually been on the site to do anything until earlier this year.  And oh my goodness, did I pin stuff!

Now there are haters out there who say it's just another time suck and completely pointless.  I disagree!  I've actually went back and found things later that I knew I had pinned for future reference.  My herbal salves to make later this year are there, decorating ideas for the My Little Pony party for Caris are there, RV tips, and .........glamping!  More on glamping in another post.

Do I use it more than Facebook?  Nah!  More than Twitter? Probably.  Find me here if you care to see what I've been pinning!

Aaaaand......we're back!

Back after a hiatus!  How many has that been now?????  Three?  Oopsies....sorry.

Graduate school is over and spring has sprung!  We've been busy getting our garden tilled and planted, and cleaning our flower beds.  They've been neglected, so the flower beds are an enormous job.  I have no idea what are weeds and what are actually flowers returning.  I'm betting their mostly weeds since I don't remember many flowers last year.  This also means I need to buy flowers to plant.  This isn't a bad thing usually, but when a certain 4 year old enters the flower nursery, she tends to pick every pink and purple flower that can be had.

Our chickens are still clucking, and our little plant business is still growing.  The cold weather has hampered our efforts a bit, so we won't have as much to sell, but we'll definitely have enough to plant.  We've tried to streamline what we sell based on what we want to plant so we don't have quite so many varieties this year. We'll have to wait and see what happens.

I plan to strategically plant herbs this year.  What does that mean, you ask?  Individual plots is the answer!  Between what my mother in law wants to sell to those who use herbs for alternative means (i.e. not illegal means!!) and what I want to harvest, I need individual plots to keep things straight.  This is very exciting for me, as this year I plan to create some holistic remedies with my herbs.  First up is calendula salve, which is basically marigold flowers, but it's a much better alternative to triple antibiotic ointment for minor cuts and scrapes.  I'd love to learn how to distill oils, so we may try that in the future.

I hope to update more often...and I know I say this each time I post!  With no homework requirements, hopefully I will able to stick with this!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Okay so I've been AWOL for a while.  If you read my last post, you'll see that I've become a graduate student.  Oh.My.Goodness.  What began as a 1 year program has quickly morphed into two years because I could not handle daily life and 2 graduate level courses every 8 weeks.  Now that I'm doing 1 course every 8 weeks, I can actually find time to breathe.  No time to read what I want to read but breathing is a good...

This is probably the most hectic week of my life.  Or at least it feels as such.  Caris' first dance recital is Friday and Saturday, her birthday party is Saturday, and we leave for Florida on Monday.  My house is a wreck, I've not made anything for her party, our yard is a jungle, and I'm still packing for Florida.  I like to call it organized chaos.  BUT.....this time next week we will be at Disney World!!  To say that I am excited is the understatement of the year, and between you and me, my mind is already there.  Caris is excited and is ready to be immersed into everything princess, and Dave is ready to....well...I guess get on a plane for the first time!  He's been informed that he cannot show fear as this will completely freak out Caris- Daddy is afraid of NOTHING.  Thankfully, it's two 1 hour flights with an hour between and not hours long.

I am ready to just be away...which sounds bad but I really don't mean like that.  I love my life, but a little down time in the sun never hurt anyone, right?

I'm going to attempt to post about our days in Florida as sort of a travel blog, but I may end up using Tumblr.  I say this never really using Tumblr, so add that to my list of things to do before we leave.  There's Wi-Fi on the plane, so surely I can learn how to use a completely different social media platform in two 1 hour flights?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

So I'm back...for a bit...

So yeah, I've been gone awhile from this blog.  But, in my defense, I've accomplished quite a bit.  I know have the coveted bachelors degree, and am currently a graduate student in a nonprofit leadership development program.  But, that is not the reason for my resurgence to the blog world.

It's politics, plain and simple.

Before we begin, let's get some things out there.  Firstly, I am NOT a republican, and couldn't be paid enough to be one.  Secondly, I don't feel very liberal, but many would say that I am.  If so, that's fine with me.  Thirdly, my perspective is not the same as yours, so please remember that.

I actually watched part of the RNC last week...why I'm not sure, but it was on, and I watched.  Although, I will admit Romney's speech put me to sleep.  That could explain some of dreams from that night...but I digress....

While I do not agree with bringing spouses into the mudslinging that the parties do, I have some opinions about Ann Romney that I'd like to share.  First, I firmly believe she has no idea what it's like to wonder where your next meal is coming from.  Having to eat tuna and pasta means you CAN eat, unlike others who can't even afford the 50cent can of tuna.  Now, this being said, I've never been in this situation, but I know those who have.  Ann Romney has never been in this position.  They may have started out modest, but they had wealthy families to fall back on.  Many people do not, and have to make it or end up homeless.  It's a fact of life that Ann Romney will never experience.  While I thought her speech was good, it in no way will EVER make me believe she can relate to the poor of this country.  Neither can Mittens either....  This was an attempt by the Romney campaign to make voters believe they can relate.  It also means they believe the majority of Americans are stupid.

There's a disturbing trend going on right now trying to define rape.  You'll notice the majority of politicians who are trying to define rape are male.  It infuriates me that some politicians claim that rape can be legitimate or not.  How the hell would they know?  I refuse to allow laws to made in this country that would keep a woman from seeking an abortion in the event of rape or incest.  It's simply unfathomable that in this century women are still fighting for the right to make decisions about her own body.  These movements, of course, are mostly led by men who will never have to worry about whether the rape they just went through will end in pregnancy.  Selfish, ignorant bastards!

Some of you may be thinking right now that I'm completely off my rocker here, but you couldn't be further from the truth.  For the first time in many years, I've discovered my true stance on things.  I've found my fit, you could say.  Call me a feminist-- I will embrace the title gladly.  I will lobby, debate, and argue, as long as it means that my little girl and all girls out there can keep the right to make decisions about their own body.  I refuse to let a male politician, who does not know me from Adam, try to tell me what I can and cannot do to my body.  We're a far cry from the time of women being nothing more than dirt on a man's shoe.

I could foray into religion at this point, but I won't.  Let's just take a look at history in regards to women's rights....

So yes, politics has brought me back to the blog.  It won't happen often, as time simply does not permit.  But, if you follow me on facebook, you'll definitely be seeing more political posts.  It's that time of year!!!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Some decisions.....

After the mess this week was, I've come to some decisions about the future.

We are not getting a new dog any time soon.  We still miss Blitzen terribly, and every morning I hear her nails clicking on the kitchen floor.  I'm not ready for a new dog, and neither is Dave.

Over the last year, I've pinned by sense of accomplishment on graduating from college with honors.  I found out earlier this week that the GPA I had been going off of is not what is considered for honors.  My transfer grades take me below 3.5, and out of honors range.  After a nearly hysterical fit, where I cried in frustration for about an hour and was basically unwilling to discuss the situation with anyone, I came to a conclusion.  My graduating without honors is no reason to need a hefty dose of Xanax.  The accomplishment of graduating college isn't about honors, it's about getting through my degree and calling myself a college graduate.  I had this vision of getting all my work in before March 31st  so I could have my honors read at May commencement.  I knew it would be a horrible 8 weeks where I would be unbearable to be around.  I don't like me that way, and neither does anyone else.  After some soul searching at 3am, I finally realized my sense of accomplishment does not hinge on graduating with honors.  It hinges on actually graduating.  I've given up a lot since I began this journey back in 2006 or so, when I stumbled onto the English program at Ivy Tech.  I refuse to give up anymore by killing myself to get my work into my instructors in 8 weeks.  So, I'm taking the entire 16 week semester, and will walk in May commencement.

This will allow me time to prepare my applications to multiple MFA programs from here to the East Coast.  My goal in all of this is to be a college professor, and an MFA will allow me to do this without the many, many years it would take for me to achieve a PhD.  Spalding University also has my application, and is need of my writing sample and essays.  Murray University is another option- close to home and much less expensive than most.  Goddard College, the place where the low residency MFA program was born, is my shot in the dark.  They are nationally acclaimed and do not take many new students each semester.  We'll see how this goes.

This plan will also allow me time to actually write, something I've missed quite a bit.  Not only do I need 15-25 pages of fiction for applications, I have unfinished business with a few of my characters.  The mistress is back, and she's ready to rumble.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

No words...

I find myself without adequate words to describe what has happened in the past week.  What started as a simple arthritic problem for Blitzen ended up taking her life.  A week ago, I never once thought she would be gone today.  I watched Piper get progressively worse for a few weeks, but I knew it was coming.  With Blitzen, though, this was a hip problem, and it would be easily treated.  I didn't expect her to deteriorate so quickly this weekend, and to not be able to walk or eat at all. 

Last night was horrible.  She was restless, and whining.  After moving her into our bedroom, I hoped her pain meds would kick in, and she'd be able to sleep for a while.  After a trip outside (where she could not stand) and a few laps of water, I settled her down on the floor, kissed her head, and told her to get some sleep.  At some point around 3am, I noticed it was quiet, and hoped she was sleeping.  I think in my heart I knew she was gone, but my sleep-deprived brain didn't register that until this morning at 6am.  I was awoken by Dave telling me she was gone.  The tears didn't come immediately, because I was firstly relieved that she was no longer in pain.  The tears came later, when I realized I could still hear her nails clicking on the kitchen floor.

Those who know me well know I am extremely attached to my animals.  It's a trait I've had as long as I can remember.  Blitzen was the first dog we adopted after we bought our house.  Somewhere there's a picture of her as a puppy, out in the backyard as the fence is being built.  HER fence.  HER yard.  Of course, she shared this yard with Piper later, but it was hers in the beginning, and she would chase a tennis ball or a stick that was thrown for hours.  God, I miss her.

We buried her with a stick this morning.  Hopefully she and Piper won't fight over it.