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Friday, March 19, 2010

Retrospection on the eve of Accomplishment...

Yesterday evening I attended rehearsal for the 2010 SMWC Ring Day Ceremony. This event will take place tomorrow- *gasp*! Distance students, graduate students and the campus Junior class all mingled in preparation for this ceremony. I can happily say the campus students were very welcoming to those who only show up a few times a year. We walked up and down the aisles of The Church of the Immaculate Conception about twenty or so times, making sure our processional and recessional was perfect. I swear the music was from The Sound of Music, and expected at any moment to hear "How do you solve a problem like Maria?". We sang the Ring Song, once very badly, and another time quite well, with the help of the SMWC Madrigals. During this I learned that we have all much in common despite being from a multitude of different age ranges and goals in life, and my shoes are very uncomfortable when standing for long periods of time. Oy.

In an earlier post I talked about how long it's taken me to get to this point, and now it's the eve of the ceremony, and I have many emotions running through me. Happiness, because it's a symbol of accomplishment, something that I have so little of in my life, with the exception of husband, baby, etc. Nervousness. Why? Many reasons. I had thought to volunteer to take part in the ceremony, as there were speaking parts available, but when the email came asking to confirm volunteers, I decided not to, and I am glad. I am nervous enough about walking on what I realized last night is a very slick floor. Imagine my nerves if I had a speaking role?! Mrs. Bennet would have nothing on me! Plus, this way I can sit back and enjoy the ceremony, and not worry about whether or not I'll get tongue tied at the lectern. So nervous, yes, but just because there is the opportunity to fall flat on my face in a spectacular fashion in front of almost 500 people.

I'm also nervous because deep down I wonder if I truly deserve this. I was the college student that sat in the commons during class, talking with friends and eating Subway for breakfast. My friends claimed to be a bad influence, but really it was my own fault for not having the motivation to attend class. I wasn't mature enough to attend college, because I lacked the discipline to go to class and do the work. High school was easy for me, and I passed with little effort. College was another matter entirely. Add to this I had no idea what I wanted to do, and very quickly I was working full time and not attending college at all. Do I regret this? Yes and no. Yes, because at 34, I long to be in a career of my choosing, and not a job that just pays the bills. Bill paying is important, of course! But being happy in one's job is also important. I have to wonder what kind of career I'd be in now if I hadn't of sat in the commons stuffing my face.

And the no? If I hadn't of done all of that, I may not be where I am today; on the cusp of achieving a wonderful accomplishment for me personally. It's a double-edged sword I suppose.

So I will take a page out of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, "Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure." Chapter 58.

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